


skinny love, did it last the year?

by raihaqyaza



Category: Produce 101 (TV), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Break Up Talk, Canon Compliant, M/M, Pre Idol Producer, post pd101
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 08:41:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14077137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raihaqyaza/pseuds/raihaqyaza
Summary: “You could have told me,” Eunki whispers. “That there was a deadline. I would have still loved you all the same. At least then it could be our decision, together, like how we did everything else.”Zhengting replies softly, “I thought it would be better, like ripping a band aid.”





	skinny love, did it last the year?

The first time Zhu Zhengting touches down in South Korea, he breathes of dream, determination, and perseverance. He is hungry of spotlight and yearns of the chance to prove himself, to represent his country in the most sought out place for dreamers like him.

After Produce 101, he returns back to his country, and returns back to South Korea, and it continues that way, being sent back and forth by his company because his opinions matter very little to the higher ups until he can sell out albums and concert venues.

The next time he returns to South Korea, after a briefing of what is to come for him starting 2018, he is a little less breathing of dream and more of suffocating in it.

For the first time in years, he realizes how trapped he has been for quite a while, and he needs this, needs to leave, so he doesn’t loath the country where he comes to fall in love with a Korean boy once upon frustrated nights in small dorms under the witness of camera lenses.

He has seen this coming, and yet it tears him inside all the same. 

This situation is what brings Zhengting knocking on Eunki’s dormitory sometime in winter at an ungodly hour and under decreasing temperature.

“My company is sending me back to China,” Zhengting tells Eunki shakily the moment the door clicks open. His swallows hard and avoids eye contact. “I’m leaving in two days, I came here to say goodbye.”

The excitement in the lines of Eunki’s face transforms instantly into one of surprise. “Oh,” he breathes. “That’s okay, when are you coming back?” he asks casually as he gestures for Zhengting to get in.

Zhengting’s usually warm eyes are distant and he speaks around clenched throat. “I might never come back.”

Eunki pauses and takes in Zhengting’s expression. “What do you mean?”

“Justin and I might never come back. There are new trainees in China’s branch and they’re thinking of debuting them with us,” Zhengting explains with a tight smile. “They’re sending us to another kind of survival show.”

Eunki gapes, “What—?”

“Well,” Zhengting breathes, barely meeting Eunki’s eyes. “That’s all.”

Eunki stares at him, eyes widening like he’s seeing him for the first time, and it may just as well be, for this is the first time he’s seen this side of Zhengting, uncaring and dismissive.

“Goodbye,” Zhengting swiftly turns to walk away, but Eunki needs more explanation than that and so he is quicker.

He grabs his arm, pulls him inside by force, closes the door behind them, and bares his teeth, “That’s it?”

Even in a state of distress, Zhengting still manages to look ethereal and Eunki hates him for it for the first time.

“I’m sorry,” Zhengting tells him, expression passive and controlled.

Eunki takes a step back in confusion and stares. There is no way Zhengting, who has always been so affectionate and expressive, can keep such a calm composure, especially knowing that being in another country might affect their relationship permanently. No—he’s always been stubborn on the things he cares about, endearingly so, so wouldn’t he fight against his company at the sudden knowledge? Wouldn’t he try to ask them to reconsider, or at least ask for more time?

Except—

His heart clenches, and he feels anger slowly seeping through his chest. The feeling is ugly and he finds it hard to breathe, “You want this.”

Guilt flares behind Zhengting's eyes.

“I can’t believe this,” Eunki laughs, and he feels like he’s going hysteric. “How long?”

Zhengting refuses to meet his eyes. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t matter, my ass!” Eunki raises his voice in frustration. How long has he been fooled, made into thinking his relationship can last? “What about us?” he chokes, and he doesn’t want to think that this is it for them, because people do long distance and survive all the time, but the air around Zhengting tells a different story and so his heart is starting to crumble, ever so slowly.

The pain is unbearable and he might just start crying in any second.

For what it’s worth, the question manages to get a reaction out of Zhengting. “We can always stay friends,” he replies, voice breaking apart.

Eunki closes his eyes.

_Oh._  

“This is why I never tried to make it exclusive,” Zhengting whispers, and the helplessness in his broken Korean sounds so genuine that Eunki can’t find it within himself to doubt him. “I thought that way you’d leave first, so we wouldn’t have to be here.”

“You mean so you can play the victim.”

There is rage somewhere in his chest, a frustration so intense he feels like he can actually punch a wall. He never took Zhengting as a— _coward_ , but then again, he’s not so sure if he judged him right all along. Has he ever really gotten to know him?

Zhengting meets his eyes, staring straight into Eunki’s soul, into the damage he’s going leave in his wake. “I told you we wouldn’t have worked out,” he tells Eunki, like as if it’s the Korean boy’s fault for falling in love with him. “I tried to make you leave.”

Eunki freezes, and his brain immediately works to try and find the truth in his words.

_You’re not practicing hard enough, do you really want to be an idol like this?_

_What do you mean you skipped vocal class? Do you know how many people out there wish they can be in your shoes?_

_Stop smoking, it’s gross and unhealthy. I don’t care that you’re stressed out, cigarettes should not be the solution._

Eunki remembers a time when he would flip at someone without a second thought have they told him these words in his face in such bluntness, but he couldn’t help but listen with Zhengting. After the initial surprise when they just started getting to know each other, he was quick to brush them off as his hard-working traits (perhaps even something to do with Chinese culture), and started working two, three times harder towards his dreams.

Zhengting makes him want to be better, and he was glad that after the disaster that was Produce 101, he had Zhengting as the fuel to his fire. A strong, immovable force that constantly reminded him of a person he could be, and he found that somewhere along the way, he’d come to long to be that person too, so Zhengting could look at him one day with pride (and not with that hesitant, calculative look) and shower him with compliments that he desperately craved from the older boy.

“Then why—“ Eunki swallows down a sob that threatens to break him apart. He clenches his teeth, “Why did you stay?”

“Because I thought I could change you.”

They’ve been together for quite some time, so Eunki knows there is more to that, and he knows Zhengting would have elaborated more, have he had the vocabularies needed to express his frustration. So Eunki waits and lets him construct his sentence despite not wanting to hear it, despite not wanting to listen to his excuses.

“You’re working hard for your debut for me,” Zhengting finds his words. “You’re attending practices and classes because of me.”

“Because I care about you—yes,” Eunki says, and he manages to bring himself to not sound helpless. “What is wrong with that?”

“What happens after I leave, then?” the Chinese boy asks, challenges. “Are you going to stop?”

Eunki falls into a deafening silence.

“I thought maybe I can bring you to change for the better because you want it for yourself, not for me,” Zhengting says, calm and collected. He has rehearsed this, he can make this argument convincing.

(It’s not the truth, but he needs to severe their ties because it just didn’t seem realistic anymore. He has very little control of his life already, but he has full control over this, so before the company demands him of it, he will do it first and he will do it his way.)

“I don’t believe in people changing for other people,” Zhengting says louder, and his inside burns, burns, and burns. “People are supposed to change because they need it, for themselves.”

Out of arguments with so little less to lose, Eunki breathes what he has been saving for some time. “I love you.”

Zhengting swallows thickly at the confession.

_I know._

“Are you sure?” he asks instead, and it is the last thing anyone in the world is allowed to do, to question someone’s feeling that they’ve harbored and nurtured and see grow with every smiles and fleeting touches. “Because what we had—it was exciting, it was fun to hook up where there are so many cameras, where we can get caught and get kicked out of the show at any moment, but is it love?”

(And indeed, it is love. It has always been love for Zhengting’s hopeful, romantic heart, which is why Eunki’s fallen expression makes him hate himself a million times more than a second ago.)

Eunki smiles, and it is so lifeless, so, so, devastated. “You don’t have to believe me.”

_Except he does._

After taking a deep breath, Zhengting reaches out, and Eunki winces but lets him hold his hand.

“I know I’m selfish,” Zhengting says in a small voice. “I’ve always known since— since Produce 101, that this might not work out, but I still went for it, and I’m sorry, but I was really happy for the past few months and so I thought maybe it’s okay.”

Eunki pulls away from Zhengting’s hold, and Zhengting keeps his own in a fist so tight his knuckles are starting to lose color.

“I understand if you’re angry—”

“I thought we would last,” Eunki tells him, and he tries to not sound spiteful. He loves Zhengting and knows no other way than to respect his wishes, but he is heartbroken and so he thinks gets to do this. “I was fine with us not being exclusive, I knew it wasn’t what you wanted.”

Zhengting looks up to the low ceiling and blinks to dry the tears that’s forming. He wants to tell Eunki he still cares, that this doesn’t mean he wants to stop talking to him, but he knows that it isn’t fair for Eunki. He started this relationship fully ready to get heartbroken because he knows the deadline, knows where it ends, so he understood what this relationship would cost him.

He understood, but he stayed anyway because he was happy and it was worth it.

But Eunki didn’t know, he didn’t know coming into the relationship that its demise was already written in the stars—he didn’t know coming into the relationship that his dear, beloved _Jungjung_ had written their demise in the stars. Zhengting was a magnetic force and the moment Eunki set eyes on him that day when he stepped onto the dance floor as they create a beautiful, soul wrenching collaboration, he knew nothing else as he was pulled in to revolve around Zhengting.

He knew nothing else but to fall, and so fall he did, head first with no hesitation.

He doesn’t know if he can get back up from this kind of pain.

“You could have told me,” Eunki whispers. “That there was a deadline. I would have still loved you all the same. At least then it could be _our_ decision, together, like how we did everything else.”

Zhengting replies softly, “I thought it would be better, like ripping a band aid.”

“Well, this is more than a band aid, _hyung_ ,” Eunki stands, losing battle to anger. “This is a whole open wound you’re leaving.”

“It was selfish of me, I know,” Zhengting follows suit. He hugs himself, maintaining their distance. He speaks in a voice so soothing, so defeated, that Eunki can’t keep the burning spite for long. “I know,” he says again, like as though it will make things better.

“Well I don’t,” Eunki grits, and isn’t that the whole problem here? Zhengting knows and Eunki doesn’t, and so he feels robbed of everything in life. “I don’t know how I’m going keep on like this. I don’t know how I’m going to perform knowing you don’t give shit, knowing you’re somewhere off in another competition seducing better men.”

Zhengting stares at him in disbelief.

It’s okay, he tries to tell himself. Eunki is hurting and he needs to let it out, needs to hurt Zhengting equally, or even worse, so he can numb the pain and feels like he has an upper hand, and—

It’s working, Zhengting thinks.

“Do you really think I would do that?” Zhengting asks, breaking into hollow laughter. It’s okay, _it’s okay_ , he deserves this pain. “Do you think I can easily forget what we had and move on to the next pretty boy in sight?”

Does he really think Zhengting isn’t in pain, isn’t dying to hold himself up by the thin rope that threatens to break?

Eunki runs his hand through his hair in frustration, in pain, in devastation, and asks, “Who won’t love you, _hyung_? Who won’t love you like I did, devote their time for you like I did?”

Zhengting doesn’t have an answer to that, and that’s where their conversation ended.

Zhengting nods and makes his way to the front door by himself, accepting the fact that this is exactly how he pictured it would end since the day he decided to join him to _Skinny Love_. They’ve had their fun, and it was a firework and everything that’s beautiful in the world while it last, but his relationship was more of a surviving method, a way for Zhengting to settle in Korea and not feel like he’s drowning all the time.

He looks over his shoulder, where Eunki is seeing him leave with a wistful, longing look in his eyes. He offers him a smile, and gently pulls the door close.

It’s okay, Zhengting thinks. He’s doing the right thing by walking away. He pursued this relationship because he needed help, needed to breathe again, and somewhere along the line, he realizes that that is exactly why he shouldn’t be in this relationship, because he needs to learn how to survive on his own, be happy on his own, before he can be happy with another person who does not deserve broken, malfunctioning pieces.

His love with Eunki was never properly nourished, never built based on proper basis, and so it was skinny.

And skinny love, he finds, as beautiful as it was, never does have the chance to last the year. 

**Author's Note:**

> I felt like this event needed to happen before Idol Producer. 
> 
> So I started with a doc and a fluff Jungki (also canon compliant) and I typed away in my phone because I was bored in my flight to my grandmother's place, until, get this, Skinny Love played on my phone and I literally had to open a new doc because that must be some sign that I need to switch lane to an angst parade and so that's exactly what I did.
> 
> I drew a lot of inspiration from the actual meaning of Skinny Love from Genius, so bear with me in this ride. I hope it's angsty enough to wrench your soul. Also, I tried to make the story line as similar to the lyrics as possible, with a few changes, such as in the song, it ends with 'Who will love you?', while here, I inded it with 'Who won't love you?'
> 
> Also, if you find Zhengting's reason to break up unreasonable, please remember that he's in pain and this is based on true story and heart breaks don't have to make sense damn it. 
> 
> Please remember to vote for Zhu Zhengting if you're watching Idol Producer, please don't let him pull a Jonghyun or Samuel on us.
> 
> p.s. let me know if you want the fluff version.


End file.
